Ted is like Teddy Ruxpin but with a dirty mouth. The always controversial Seth MacFarlane voices the talking teddy bear, which comes to life after a magical wish by John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg). They become inseparable until John meets Lori (Mila Kunis). His new girlfriend insists that he grow up and stop playing with toys. After they lose the third wheel, the couple engages in some very adult situations.
“I’m gonna start doing a lot of adult things like getting more fiber,” John promises her in a deleted scene.
Lori screams in ecstasy as he rattles off more whitebread things like watching C-SPAN, reading cartoons in The New Yorker and wearing a blazer on airplanes.
Women might not mind the Boston accent, particularly when it’s coming out of Mark Wahlberg’s mouth but it’s not as sexy from a woman. Ted and John debate it while getting high on the couch.
“Boston women on the whole are a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life,” Ted explains.
He proves his point by doing an impression of a stereotypical Boston girl orgasm, which ends with the loud mouth stuffing her face with Pepperidge Farm.
That doesn’t stop the hypocrite from hooking up with his white trash coworker Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth). He satisfies her hunger with a different kind of food. Ted reveals to his boss that he fucked her with a parsnip from the grocery store then sold it. In the backroom we see the teddy bear stuffing Tami-Lynn, who has her panties down around her ankles. He’s presumably using more vegetables or fruit as a strap-on dildo. The toy’s lack of genitalia doesn’t stop him from enjoying some anal sex.
“Stick your finger in the loop of my tag,” he tells her.
Barth will reprise her role in the sequel Ted 2 coming out June 26, 2015. Hopefully if we see any more produce, it’ll be melons.
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